Perpetrators of domestic violence and abuse are often unwilling to admit or recognise that they and they alone are responsible for their actions.
Instead they make excuses for their behaviour blaming it on the set of circumstances or run up to the argument, or by blaming their partner.
Reflecting or exploring their own behaviour would mean they would have to look inwards and take responsibility, and this would mean that they would have to examine and deal with their own vulnerabilities and emotions and work through them as opposed to blaming others.
For some perpetrators they are more comfortable laying the blame elsewhere.
The only way a perpetrator can change their behaviour is to take responsibility for their own actions, to start to own it, and to want to change their conduct because it not only impacts on themselves, but on their partner, children and other loved ones.
Victims of domestic violence and abuse learn to minimise the actions of the perpetrator, and to deal with these traumatic outbursts and experiences. They learn to play down the incidents and begin to pacify the perpetrator in order to calm them down, in an attempt to stop the incident, or the after effects of the incident.
Some perpetrators will dismiss the level of impact that their actions has on their partner or ex partner, or try to dismiss the incident as an act of playfulness or an argument that got a little out of hand, or a situation that has been misunderstood.
Again not willing to accept the reality of the situation, the damage caused and the impact it has.
Most perpetrators will not even entertain the idea that their behaviour and actions will have an emotional and psychological effect, unwilling to entertain any idea that their partner or ex partner could be hurt in this way, dismissing the emotional and psychological affect that a slap, a bite, a pinch, or squeezing parts of their partners body including the neck.
To the perpetrator there are no marks, therefore no lasting damage!
*We live in a society where aggression and violence is all around us, we switch on the news and there is trauma and atrocities, at the cinema there is a never ending flow of violent and disturbing films, with dvd’s again there is an endless supply of such movies, so we as a society often establish in our own minds what levels of aggression or violence we believe is tolerable or acceptable; whether it is or not is another matter.
For example on a football pitch a footballer might kick, spit or bite an opponent. Some commentators, managers, members of the media and of society might say that the behaviour wasn’t that bad, and almost suggest in the context, that a big deal shouldn’t be made of it, therefore people look to regulate or justify certain behaviour in certain circumstances or the context.
What this does in a negative way is give room for tolerance, discretion, and minimising the impact and effect for those involved, but for those who are on the receiving end of any form of abuse, violence or aggression it is a traumatic experience.
If you are spat at within a relationship, that is disgusting and unacceptable behaviour, but how many victims are likely to come forward if society accepts ‘spitting’ in other contexts.
If society thinks that a ‘bite’ is nothing or harmless, what message would that send to a victim who has been bitten by their partner.
Yes as a society we seem to only be shocked by the most graphic of situations, so how does that help a victim have the confidence to come forward and reach out for help it doesn’t.
I want to try to show what domestic violence entails; the subtle forms and the not so subtle forms, and I want to try to show how difficult it is, to first off deal with being in such a relationship, through to trying to negotiate your way out of such a relationship, the complexities that make it so hard to just leave, and the emotional and psychological impact that keeps you stuck in a place that you don’t want to be, and if and when you do leave how all the turmoil and chaos doesn’t just disappear, and how the effects and impact can filter through to other areas of your life, but how with the appropriate support and help, and being armed with information and awareness then you can heal and recover from its impact*
As a society we either consciously or inadvertently create an element of acceptance for this behaviour, but this is not and should not be accepted within any arena, because what this does within some quarters is create a platform for domestic violence, and domestic violence should not be tolerated or condoned under any circumstances.
Help, Support & Resources
If you are a victim of domestic violence and abuse, or have been a victim of domestic violence and abuse and are seeking help, or you know someone who is a victim of domestic violence then why not take action and seek help and support today. If you are a perpetrator who wants to change their behaviour then why not seek help and support today.
If YOU or Someone YOU Know IS Experiencing Domestic Violence; which includes Coercive Control & Bullying then CALL:
Emergency: 999 (UK) 911 (US)
For Counselling & Psychotherapeutic Support with Leading Expert Tina Royles CALL:
For help with gathering evidence & building your case, to get the Justice YOU Deserve contact Tina Royles at ROYLES LTD on 01244 760113
ROYLES LTD is an Investigation, case-building & emotional support business, which reviews & builds cases for private prosecutions, tribunals, grievances, miscarriages of justice, including issues around domestic violence, sexual offences, divorce & immigration. Most people try to fight for justice themselves, and whilst this can work for some, without the appropriate level of expertise and working knowledge of the system and processes it can often result in a less than satisfactory outcome, and the impact on the individual or individuals can be immense. Here at Royles Ltd, we review and build cases on your behalf so that you don’t have to. We gather and compile the evidence, so that you have a comprehensive case to present to your legal team or representative so they can focus and fight your case, cutting down overall on your solicitors time and costs, we also provide you with the much needed emotional and psychological support throughout the process…
*extract taken from the bestselling book ‘When the Apple of Your Eye is Rotten at the Core’ by Tina Royles MA
#EliminateViolence4All #Support&Justice4Victim #16DaysOfAction Day 1