It’s one of the most difficultly and stressful times of a person’s life, and dependent on how that person ‘negotiates’ their way through it, determines how ‘intact’ they come out of it.
Divorce is complex, and riddled with emotions, it is deemed one of the most stressful things a person can go through, and yet often, decisions are made during a time when actually, an individual is most vulnerable, without the appropriate intervention from key professionals an outcome can be pretty bleak and have significant consequences further down the line.
From the moment it’s ‘on the cards’, during the process itself, and then afterwards, it can also be one of the most challenging, painful, and traumatic periods of their life.
So how does a person prepare themselves for ‘divorce’?
How would you prepare yourself?
Well, if you are on the receiving end of the decision, or you have made the decision based on a discovery such as ‘infidelity’ for example, the answer is ‘not very well’ for most.
Why?, Because of the sheer ‘panic’ you would be thrown into, and the effect this major life change would have on your emotional, physical, psychological, sexual, practical, and financial wellbeing – unless that is, you have an ‘amazing’ support network, and the appropriate level of guidance, help and intervention from key professionals; solicitors, case-builders, therapists.
How can I help you
The services that I offer through ROYLES LTD, helps individuals hold onto ‘what matters’ through: Investigation, Case-building & Emotional Support.
Why am I in a position to help?
1) I’m a former police officer who spent my career investigating, gathering evidence & building cases
2) I’m a qualified psychotherapist & able to provide the emotional & psychological support needed to negotiate through this process; which is a unique service that I offer
3) I’m a national & international ‘expert’ on controlling behaviour & domestic violence so I’m not phased by ‘bullies’ either (www.tinaroyles.com)
If you need help with preparing a case, having a case reviewed, or an investigation into an issue or dispute please get in touch 🙂
So What is Divorce and What are the complexities?
When individuals separate or divorce, it can often be a difficult and painful experience which is fraught with emotion, trauma and turbulence. There are many steps and in fact obstacles to go through which are sadly part of the trajectory of a relationship breaking down and perhaps coming to an end.
Starting a relationship can be exciting, enthralling and passionate, with individuals envisaging a potential future together with shared hope, dreams and ideas. Individual lives, families, friendships, activities and social commitments often become merged on some levels and it can look like a shared journey.
Unfortunately some relationships, civil partnerships or marriages come to an end, and there can be many different reasons for this; including falling out of love, infidelity, breakdown of communication, or domestic violence. Each of these reasons can bring additional complexities, and raw emotions such as anger, despair, sorrow, fear of the future.
Additionally there can be difficult conversations around sorting out any assets and/or liabilities. When finances or property come into the equation, it is more likely that communication and amicable negotiations will break down even further. If children are part of the relationship there can be difficult and upsetting conversations around who has custody, who lives where, shared access, and maintenance support.
Where a legal process is activated, there can be a sense of losing even more control of the situation, and the formality makes the process seem devoid of empathy, understanding or compassion. It is a difficult journey to go on, and one that can potentially impact on the emotional, physical, psychological and financial wellbeing of those involved.
In order to come out of the situation as intact as possible, key components need to be in place in order to enable a positive outcome.
For this to happen a case needs to be built, along with key information and documentary evidence being compiled to establish the grounds needed, necessary and appropriate for a divorce or dissolution to be granted. Building a case can often be painful and distressing, as for some the information needed isn’t always that accessible to both parties, and some don’t know even where to begin looking.
In a way in order to enable a positive outcome, individuals need to be in a healthy place emotionally and psychologically, in addition to being in a place of clarity and fully functioning…when separation or divorce happens this isn’t where many individuals are. There is confusion, distress, sorrow, grief, loss, anxiety and anger.
Which is where ROYLES comes in…
I provide the investigation, and case-building service for individuals going through a divorce or separation to help individuals negotiate their way through this difficult time in their lives. This information can then be used by the individual themselves, or be provided to a legal representative so they are in a stronger position to focus on the legal documentation and legal system steps. I work with the individual from an emotional perspective and provide the safe environment and platform to work through the emotions, and explore ways to help the individual to look at options to repair, recover, and rebuild the self…
If you are in the process of separating or divorcing (or planning it), then get in touch…
Be more in control of the steps needed to enable you to achieve a positive outcome for you, and the ones you love.
If you are the one who has had plenty of time to ‘plan’ your exit from the marriage or civil partnership, then you will have an ‘advantage’, and be ahead of the game, as more than likely you will have gone through a number of ‘rationalising’ stages along the way, and chances are you’re going to have already ‘taken steps’ to work out how you are going to come out of it as best you can.
What cannot be factored in for either party though is the emotional reaction when the ‘news’ breaks. This is largely down to the fact you will both be at different places in terms of the loss or losses the divorce will mean. You will have had time to work through some of the impact of loss, however your partner will not have had that opportunity. That doesn’t mean you wont be emotional, but that you will already have a head start on your partner (years even).
As a psychotherapist, I recognise that it is this ‘timeframe’ difference in terms of ‘loss’ that causes the process to become more difficult as it’s often experienced as if the person making the decision is cold, detached, calculating, and to a large extent they have needed to ‘switch off’ from the relationship in order to want to walk away from what previously was, a relationship they at one point wanted to be in, and made the commitment of marriage or a civil partnership.
If you have made the decision to end the marriage or civil partnership because of domestic violence, unreasonable behaviour or infidelity, it may be a quick decision, and therefore you wont have had chance to plan, and there will be the additional emotions, thoughts and feelings around what the catalyst for the decision to divorce was, eg with infidelity, there will be rejection, the fact that your partner ‘cheated’ on you. There will be low self esteem, confidence if your partner has made the decision to ‘make a go’ of the relationship with the other third party to the affair, then there will be additional hurt too.
Divorce often brings with it thoughts of ‘failure’, of not being ‘good enough’, and can trigger depression, loneliness, and suicide; which may be ‘fuelled’ by fear and anxiety of the future. Then there are the losses around ‘shared visions, hopes and dreams’ of the future. Plans you potentially made during your time together. Memories often left in tatters and you doubting whether they were genuine in the first place.
Apart from the couples that have genuinely just drifted apart, want to stay friends, and split everything equally and are ‘above board’ and transparent, the majority of divorces and civil partnership dissolutions are fraught with lies, deceit, bullying, coercive control, broken communication, and the moving about of assets.
Let’s face it, if this behaviour ‘went on’ within any other environment or remit within society, then I’m sure society, would have an opinion (and we’d even have I dare say, the possibility for criminal and civil remedies to be explored), but within a relationship, it’s as if an element of society condones it, encourages it, and accepts it.
So what of divorce? The Uk Government are exploring whether to make the process of divorce easier, quicker and even introduce the ‘no fault’ route.
What then of the individuals who don’t feel they have a voice, the ones who are emotionally distraught and are not best placed to make a decision with their long term future in mind. What about the person who still loves their partner and will comply because they trust their partner. What about the victim of domestic violence, bullying, and coercive control, who is fearful of their partner, who doesn’t necessarily have ample or appropriate levels of support in place to ‘stand up’ to their partner.